namtar28

 The collision between what you love, what you hate, and everything inbetween
in other words, the mind.
plus, the things, the one, the fix, the antidote that gets me by
and withdrawal from it.
i need what i need
and as soon as it gets taken away from me, i become 2 things
1: a fucking fool.
2: a fucking human
i cant believe how weak i can be
how weak i have become.
"not this again, i cant do this again"
if i'd have known 2 year ago that i'd say those words, i'd have killed myself there and then
drilled a wire through my cheek
it's almost perfect
the ultimate irony
looks like one guy is stronger than the other
instead of having that balance, that perfect streamlined personality i used to have
i am overpowered but what i hate
namely, i'm overpowered by the self.
i feel like there's a dent in my car that deflects air in just the wrong direction, i get too much drag, something is pulling me back
and that something is me.
i've had complete episodes of personality loss of increasing occurence
it's happened 4 times in my life
but the time period is odd
once 3 years ago, and then 3 times over the last year.
i'm trapped in a body
a pilot who can only see the approaching mountains, but can't control the plane
another me came into being, and he want's to ruin me
and he's on one end of the wire
and i've fought him all my life
and he's winning
and he has everytime

I have been messed up for a rather long time.
still am i guess, a bit.
I've always been a bit messed up.
had trouble dealing with my own mind.
i work well in situations where i don't have to take myself into consideration
thats why i prosper in close relationships, because there's no worries about myself.
in distant ones, i worry about the welbeing of myself, and my status
but yeah, because of this, and my messed up mind that i can't deal with, i have developed a dependency on one single person
i need one person to keep me in a straight line
they do that by, unknowingly letting me forget all about myself when i am with them
thus, stopping me from becoming obsessive with my own mind.
like now for instance.

the problem is that because i've developed this dependency, and the fact that i'm more messed up than the person who keeps me straight,
i suddenly find myself stuck
because i don't know what to do, when i dont need the helping hand as much as them.
i've now, largely become fixed
i'm only a problem when i'm alone really, for a fair amount of time
so now i'm thinking in a different perspective, and struggling to do it.
so basically, i'm thinking, what do you do when the shoe is on the other foot
and because of this, i've got one of those trapped in my own mind moments.
i've had it for the last couple of weeks. 
but i've had no time to just take it as it comes.
god i'm hating this.

feel like my thoughts are all trapped in my head,
i've been wrestling with my own mind for weeks, trying to form solid thoughts, but free thoughts
the thoughts that just come to mind, rather than ones you think of just cause you're trying to think.
i think, my immediate brain is conflicting with my deeper conciousness
i feel happy sometimes, i get bursts of happiness, or i'm just happy, hollowly.
but in my deeper conciousness, only one thing has changed
it still is a massive change, that is affecting me down to my core
but it's the same place, with some new bits tacked on.
like the two parts of my brain are the the same sides of a magnet, and they're gaffer taped together.
i can't do it relevantly.
i can't have happiness when it's needed, and comfortable detatchment when i need it,
i used to control my brain oh so well, what the hell happened.
i've lost the ability to emulate, and think straight, and feel properly, and control my mind.
tis an odd sensation
like a warm breeze on a freezing day
you'll feel good, but as soon as it stops, which i'm dreading, i'm going to feel the cold a whole lot worse.
this is ambigous, and can be interpreted multiple ways.
rest assured (if you care) that it is minor, nothing srs, just something small that i wanted to get out really.
thanksbai.

Been a while since i've made a post on here.
i've got a few things going through my mind at the moment.
first of all, i'm not particularly happy.
My hard-drive is broken, meaning i've lost everything important-ish.
notepads, school stuff i wanted to keep, every single last one of my pictures that i've got over the last 2 or three years,
over 1000 songs, a whole shitload of games, a few programs i use. and 2 particular pieces of art work that i really liked.
second of all. i can't get away from my own mind, and it makes me feel rather weak.
i've had this issue alot, and i thought i'd beaten it, because i never got worked up, or let huge emotions come through.
but that was part of a wall i'd built up (from myself, and from others, it's a concept i put in the artwork i mentioned above.
now, the issue is that i've as chris jericho would have done, broke the wall down, and now i'm stuck with all this emotion i didn't know i had coming out, at completely random intervals.
I've cried, twice lately.
once was because i didn't realise how much i cared about someone, and it struck me at the wrong time.
the second was a reflection on something that had happened to me
and it happened a long time ago, yet, i'd never felt much for it till that time.
it upset me at the time admittedly,
but i cried over a combination of that and a few other things.
the other things being how i still, even though i thought i was done being this caring because it's bad for you,
and done being shocked at things like this, 
care so much for people that it can cause so much sadness, or angriness, to physically manifest as tears.
I Love someone, yeah, love. and i never thought i'd get to be in love for a long time , if again in my life, but it's happened, and over a rediculously short time too.
and something bad happened, and it made me feel so (angry/sad. more angry i think)
that to be perfectly honest, and i don't understand this bit, but i wanted to cut myself.
then, i thought about what some people have done to her.
or what they have done to me.
or what they do to each other.
and it's unreal.
does it make me naive to still get furiously angry,
or incredibly sad, over this.
how can one person just torture another, force them to do things, kill them, hurt them
and not care.
people, and i mean almost everyone, would just trample each other for gain themselves.
it's unreal.
you all know that, you've all known it for a long time.
so why am I the only one who cares this much about it.
maybe i am naive, but still, i'd rather be it, if it means caring about this stuff still.
and i always think i feel old. so thinking i'm naive is incredibly odd for me.
I'm also still pissed off over someone being a complete twat, but it's nothing coherent enough for a blog.
oh well, roll on a shit day

Composure for me is a big thing.
i always considered it to be a big thing,
something you should maintain.
it involves your feelings, and controlling them or being controlled by them.
which would you say is better?
I've been becoming more and more attached to my feelings lately.
i knew full well that i was falling deeper and deeper in
but i thought i could deal with it
that it's not going to be a problem.
that i was still in control.
and when it all came down to it
it turned out that they were controlling me
and i had no composure at all
i exploded with more feeling than i thought i actually had.
I hate not knowing what i'm thinking, but i always end up oblivious to what i'm thinking.
every time i get into this.
it's a good thing.
this time better than usual.
but it still feels stupid
stupidity, it turns out, can be a very good thing.
but i'm thoroughly shaken, because i lost my composure.
composure is very important to me personally.
it's a big aspect of my personality, i feel that it makes you part of who you are
staying as you would in any situation
it doesn't mean being cool
it means being you
making your personality come through even in a complex, difficult situation.
i failed to do this
and therefore feel like i failed myself.
wouldn't you?
failed to help someone else, and failed yourself, and finding it too hard to live with what you are doing
all involving a loss of composure.

how do you define a friend.
if there is anyone reading this, i would actually like an answer.
define what you call a friend.
is it someone who stands by you and all that stuff. if someone opposes you, they oppose that person cause they believe in you, or share your opinion
no. any kind of politician for example, will be opposed and have people standing behind him, fighting for his opinion
are these people his friends? of course not, these people would trample him if they saw an opportunity to get to the front of the line.
is it someone who trusts you. someone that you can trust.
no. i can trust someone to help me out, and i can't stand the guy.
many people trust me, and i don't consider them friends
you trust a lifeguard at the swimming baths,
you trust a police man in the street
you trust anyone, who looks in control, knows what they're doing.
so, by logic, you cannot define a friend as someone you can trust.

to me, a friend, particularly a best one, does 2 things.
first of all, they understand
they sympathise, empathise. they know how you work, why you feel the way you do.
they could have completely opposite feelings themself.
but they don't force theirs upon you. they understand your opinions and feelings.

and secondly
they don't give too much of a shit
they care about you, they'll give you advise, or share opinions, and help you.
but if you want to do what you want.
they don't care
they'll still be around for you to come back to.
probably with battle scars
but they wont even think about trying to force you away from what you want.

now, friends don't have to have all of this
nor do best friends
and there is other things that makes someone your best friend.
experiences with them, time spent, shared feelings on monumental points.
that kind of thing
but this makes someone a good friend
your best friend doesnt have to be good, alot o how do you define a friend.
if there is anyone reading this, i would actually like an answer.
define what you call a friend.
is it someone who stands by you and all that stuff. if someone opposes you, they oppose that person cause they believe in you, or share your opinion
no. any kind of politician for example, will be opposed and have people standing behind him, fighting for his opinion
are these people his friends? of course not, these people would trample him if they saw an opportunity to get to the front of the line.
is it someone who trusts you. someone that you can trust.
no. i can trust someone to help me out, and i can't stand the guy.
many people trust me, and i don't consider them friends
you trust a lifeguard at the swimming baths,
you trust a police man in the street
you trust anyone, who looks in control, knows what they're doing.
so, by logic, you cannot define a friend as someone you can trust.

to me, a friend, particularly a best one, does 2 things.
first of all, they understand
they sympathise, empathise. they know how you work, why you feel the way you do.
they could have completely opposite feelings themself.
but they don't force theirs upon you. they understand your opinions and feelings.

and secondly
they don't give too much of a shit
they care about you, they'll give you advise, or share opinions, and help you.
but if you want to do what you want.
they don't care
they'll still be around for you to come back to.
probably with battle scars
but they wont even think about trying to force you away from what you want.

now, friends don't have to have all of this
nor do best friends
and there is other things that makes someone your best friend.
experiences with them, time spent, shared feelings on monumental points.
that kind of thing
but this makes someone a good friend
your best friend doesnt have to be good, alot of people have bad best friends. 

 i've been thinking about this stuff for a long while, just never got chance to come online and post it.

you were raised in the western world
you've seen all the drama's
all the soaps,
all the teen magazines,
read all the sad stories
heard all the painful memories
all the bullshit, about how people have hard lives, these imaginary people, with imaginary family member who abuse them
with imaginary friends who betray them, who don't care about them.
imaginary faces, with imaginary personalities who murder, steal, lie and cheat them.
and you might have at one point, before the bullshit of the western world pulled the wool of apathy over your eyes
have been shocked, appauled, sorry
empathetic
for these imaginary people in the bullshit stories.
well, thats the view i've had because i tore the wool away.
and i can't believe.
scratch that
don't want to believe that this shit happens, because it is written in these bullshit stories of the western world, about people in the western world.
but.. i now have become slightly more experienced.
slightly older, attained more connections.
and these stories of people who are messed up to the extreme, who have all these harsh problems,
they are now real,
because i have met these people.
who have all this bullshit going on
that make my feelings on the world all the more strong,
and my worries seem paler.

i can't believe
scratch that
that there are people who exist that are willing to do this to people
people who don't deserve it,
don't, because they're innocent
they live as the live, do little wrong.
just live off their feelings.
and there's these seemingly imaginary faces, with seemingly imaginary personalities
they come into focus,
they're real,
and they make me incredibly angry.

Raw feelings. whether they're good feelings, bad feelings, and whether they're naturally or unnaturally attained.
the only thing that keeps me going. i looked for something, found nothing, and i hated it.
but i HATED it. it was as raw and natural hate as i've ever felt in my life.
Rock climbing. completely unnatural, done on a plastic wall.
but it gives me exileration like i've never felt.
raw, natural human emotion.
the knowledge that i'm doing something stupid, or at least my mind tells me i shouldn't do it.
then doing it anyway.
naivity in other words.
it makes me feel, and i hate the conventionality of it, but it makes me feel alive.
But it isn't enough. to me, it still doesn't mean enough.
live in the present and it's fine, but i can't live in the present. always looking forward, or looking back. thats what does it.
but, there is now someone else.
there are other people, and they're now the only thing that can keep me here.
they don't deserve to lose me.
and i have no right to do it to them.
it's where the selfishness concept of suicide comes from.
you can't kill yourself, it's selfish.
well, first of all, fuck you.
and secondly, i can see where you're coming from.
 Lately, i've experienced more of this natural feeling than i have in a long long time.
and i'm coming close to being not happy, but willing.
willing to go through all of the stuff that i inevitably will do, as long as i can continue like this.

1.What time is it? 01:56

Personal

2.Do you want to answer these? what i'm here for

3.Name? Tyler Featherstone
4.Name spelled backwards? enotsrehtaeF relyT
5.What is your quest? at the moment it's getting alchemy to 300. WoW geek ftw/l

6.Nickname? Chicken Pie Ty. god dammit
7.Age? 16
8.Hometown? Stockton. hardwick ftw
9.What year were you born in? 1992
10.Where do you live now? rosey, still in stockton
11.What state? gringo?
12.Ever going to move? yup. dunno how far though
13.Would you rather live somewhere else? for now, no
14.Birthdate? 28/09/1992
15.When do you blow out your candles? once a year. but thats still not happened since i was a bit younger
16.Day you were born? not a clue.
17.Zodiac sign? libra
18.Do you know what that is? teh scales
19.Sex? man
20.Height? 5'8''
21.Weight? bout 10 stone. haven't checked in about a year
22.Eye color? Brown. apparantly a little green in them :S
23.Hair color? Brown
24.Any siblings? pair of sisters
25.Names and ages? Jade - 18 and Nikki - 20
26.Do you get along with them? yeah, most of the time.
27.Any pets? Dawg
28.Names? Marcus
29.Parents? yeah, both still.
30.Names? Mama shellie and Papa simon.
31.Do you get along with them? usually.
32.Married or divorced? married
33.How long? 18 years maybe. something like that
34.Website? dont have a website. a LJ, which you're not having, unless i actually trust you, and a myspace, which you're on.
35.Email? Tyler_H@hotmail.co.uk
36.AOL s/n? nil
37.Yahoo s/n? nope
38.ICQ? nein
39.MSN? see e-mail
40.How many people are on your buddy list? 42?
41.Phone number? it's new, i don't know it yet.
42.Personality? alright. somewhat likeable.

School

43. Do you want to answer these? sure
44.What school do you go to? left
45.What year are you? 11
46.What are you? how is that a school question. genius?
47.Hardest class? Science
48.Easiest class? Geography/ICT
49.Most fun class? Science
50.What day did school start? no idea.
51.Do you have classes with friends? used to.
52.Do you have friends? rofl.
53.Do you go to school events? not many that were actually given to us.
54.What was the last event you went to? trip to somewhere. york maybe.
55.Do you have school spirit? hate most of them.
56.Do you go to dances? only one we had, and i didn't go.
57.Stag or with someone? sorry?

Relationships

58. Do you want to answer these? Sure
59.Have a significant other? Indeed
60.What is their name? Charlotte
61.How old are they?
62.How long have you been going out? 3 weeks today/yesterday
63.Have you been faithful? I have.
64.Have they been faithful? definately.
65.Does someone like you? One would assume so.
66.Do they know you know they like you? she should do.
67.Have they told you? they did.
68.Do you have an online crush? haha, no.
69.Who? ...

In the Past 24 Hours Have You?

70. Do you wonder why I'm asking these questions? not at all...

71.Had a serious talk? yeah, about a friend.
72. Hugged someone? indeed
73.Fought with a friend? not that i can recall
74.Cried? nope.
75.Laughed? ¬¬ while being pinned.
76.Made someone laugh? yeah.
77.Bought something? yup, a bunch of stoofs
78.Cut your hair? naw
79.Felt stupid? haha, yeah.
80.Talked to someone you love? in a family way, yes.
81.Missed someone? not that badly.

Have-you-ever ?

82. You want me to tell you? not rly.


83.Smoked? once, a drag. when i was alot younger.
84.Stolen something? by accident
85.Done drugs? not illegal ones. legal ones illegally though.
86.Drank? aye
87.Gotten drunk? aye
88.Eaten an entire box of Oreos? nein
89.Been dumped? yeah.
90.Had someone be unfaithful to you? not that i know of
91.Hiked up a mountain? not all teh way
92. Stayed home on Saturday night, just because? haha, yeah.
93.Been in love? once
95.Seen the Eiffel Tower? not in reality
96.Try smoking? once
97.Played monopoly? yeah, used to love it
98.Seen Titanic? nope.
99.Kissed someone? i haz
100.Tried a weight loss program? i haz not.
101.Jumped on a trampoline? yeah.
102.Colored in a coloring book (and had fun)? haha, no. never been the colouring type.
103.Had a bubble bath? when i wa s younger. not abig fan of them now
104.Been on a plane? 6 times total
105.Been on a boat? a few times. not a big one though.
106.Been on a train? a few times. more than a boat, less than a plane
107.Been in a car accident? nope.
108.Ridden an elephant? haha, no.
109.Made a web page? yeah, i was practicing html. never published it though.
110.Played with Barbies? haha, maybe
111.Stay up all night? yeah, a few times.
112.Shoved stuff under your bed to make your room look clean? you can see uder my bed too well. it's a shelf.
113.Called a psychic or sex hotline? haha, no wai.
114.Watched Jerry Springer? a few times. when someone else has had him on.

115.Gotten in trouble for talking in class? haha, gotten moved

116.Been afraid of the dark? hahahaha when i was a young'un. like till i was 10.;
117.Been in the hospital (not visiting)? when i was too young to remember
118.Had stitches? not yet.
119.Dumped someone and regretted it? nope. if i want to be with someone, i stay with them.
120.Gone out with more than one person at a time? nope
121.Lied? nothing big in a long time.
122.Been arrested? no
123.Fallen asleep in class? almost once.
124.Gotten in trouble in class? too many times, but never badly.
125.Used food for something other than to eat? nothing comes to mind, but probably.
126.Met a celebrity? yeah, a few sports people.
127.Broken the law? yeah, nothing srs though
128.Ever loved someone so much it made you cry? haha, not because i loved them, no.
129.Hated yourself? hmm.. yeah. guess i still do in a way.
130.Been brokenhearted? pfft. not broken.
131.Broken someone's heart? nope
132.Are you engaged? bit young
133.Done something really stupid? a whole bunch of times.
134.Been arrested? de ja vu. see 122.
135.Hurt a friend? yep.
136.Broken a bone? not yet
137.Ever had a crush on a teacher? nope. hated most of them, and the 3 i liked are male.

Favorites

138. Why do you want to know? fail.

139.Guy name? not got one.
140.Girl name? lucy, rachel or sarah
141.Nationality? Scottish
142.Color? orange
143.Holiday? france or italy. never been to either. greenland maybe
144.Day of the week? tuesday.
145.Restaurant? jo rigatonies. or however that is spelled.
146.Fastfood restaurant? not a fan.
147.Food? pizza
148.Animal? squirrel.
149.Pet? cat.
150.Store? umm... not got one. dont go to many. TESCO!!1
151.Mall? only been to the boro ones.
152.Clothes brand? ..
153.Soda? americans.. umm... dr pepper maybe.
154.Alcohol? Just bud does me nicely.
155.Instrument? i rather like piano.
156.Season? winter
157.Number? 12
158.Radio station? can't say i listen to it
159.Song? right now..? Seether - The Gift. Of all time? Metallica - fade to black
160.Sport? Rugby
161.Vacation spot? not been to one i've like yet. othe than the lakes
162.State? not got one.
163.Country? again, not got one.
164.Flower? see above
165.Perfume? i don't know what it's called, just that i love the smell.
166.Thing to do? Umm... just go out. that leaves it open enought aht it can depend on my mood who i'm with.
167.Actor? not got a favourite. don't like celebrities much.
168.Actress? see above.
169.Saying? don't worry about it.
170.Car? ...
171.Month? November
172.Cartoon? haha, not seen any in years
173.T.V.Show? again, not sure
174.Website? myspace
175.Book? umm... use of weapons
176.Quality about yourself? i dunno. sarcasm
177.Your best friend? Baty
178.Your best guy friend? Baty
179.Your best girl friend? I'd say shazz, but she's a girlfriend and most people say that doesn't count, so... Lizy
180.Fruit? apple
181.Vegetable? umm... dunno. maybe sweetcorn
182.Meat? bacon
183.Quote? "I have no excuses, least of all for God. Like all tyrants, he is not worthy of the spit you would waste on negotiations. The deal we have is infinitely simpler--I don't call him to account, and he extends me the same courtesy"
paraphrased
184.Saying? don't worry about it
185.Type of movie? i dunno, anything does me.
186.Candy? aero.
187.Language? japanese. it's so contrasted to ours, i like it.
188.Magazine? can't say i read any.
189.CD? Master Of Puppets
190.Store? not got one.
191.Movie? hmm... maybe schindlers list.
192.Day of the week? de ja vu
193.Singer? not sure.
194.Band? shinedown at the minute

Misc.
195.Why are you so curious? ...

196.Like to swim? i don't do it that well.
197.Like to dance? no.
198.Have a pool? no
199.Have a car? no
200.Going to get a car? at some point, when i have money
201.Your motto? don't have one.
202.What do you look for in a friend? i don't look for anything other than for them to be likeable.
203.What do you look for in the opposite sex? the same. i just see little things, or big things in certain people that makes me attracted to them.
204.Time you get up? bout 11
205.Time you go to bed? bout 3 usually.
206.What color are the sheets on your bed? black.
207.How many pillows? 2
208.Ever skip school? once or twice
209.Have you ever been convicted of a crime? nope
210.What did you eat for dinner? nothing. pure win.
211.What are you wearing? top, jeans, boxers
212.What movie makes you cry? 0
213.What book makes you cry? 0
214.What song makes you cry? 0. i've been brought close to tears once from a song, but never actually done it.
215.What/Who makes you laugh so hard you cry? nothing
216.What is your favorite possession? umm... a few pieces of paper.
217.What physical, tangible possession do you want most? it doesn't need to be anything specific, just something i can associate with a certain someone.
218.How badly do you want it? not that much, just be nice.
219.Have you ever seen The Exorcist? nah, barely seen any 'scary' films.
220.How long did it take you to understand why that question is here? don't remember since i started this the other day, and only just came back onto it. now being 22:24, 2 days later
221.Does Christmas music played too far away from Christmas annoy you? not really. couldn't care less.
222.How old do you think you will be before you stop liking getting older? past the point.
223.What was the best Halloween costume you ever had? nothing comes to mind.
224.What was the worst Halloween costume you ever had? again, ntohing comes to mind. i stopped going too long ago.
225.What holiday do you think has still managed to retain its original meaning? i dont think there is one. people jsut celebrate for the sake of tradition now. the majority do anyway
226.There are currently no federal holidays during August-what should be put there? midsummer festival?
227.How good is your short-term memory? not great
228.How good is your short-term memory? not great
229.(Not very good I see, I repeated that question, did you notice?) fail.
230.How good is your long-term memory? it's okay.
231.What is your earliest memory? being drawn on by my sisters
232.What is your happiest memory (other than receiving this survey)? the happiest i ever remember being would be... one at the duckpond once. not going to get into it.
233.What is your strangest memory? probably wrapping a coat around my waist to cover up the short shorts i was wearing on the way to a fancy dress party
234.What is your worst memory? redcar beach. again, not getting into it.
235.Fav childhood song? i dunno.
236.Fav childhood movie? same.
237.What size are your feet? 8/9
238.If someone you had no interest in dating expressed interest in dating you, how would you feel? sorry
239.Do you prefer getting to know someone first before dating them or going "blind"? getting to know them seems to be good.
240.Could you carry on a relationship with someone with the same first name as a family member? yeah, easily.
241.Have you ever wished it was more "socially acceptable" for a girl to ask a guy out? hahaha, no. it being less so is what makes it good.
242.What's your opinion on sex without emotional commitment? not even remotely interested in it now. that would be it without emotional commitment that i'm not interested in.
243.Have you ever been romantically attracted to someone physically unattractive? yeah.
244.Do you think the opposite sex finds you good-looking? i think some might, but not too many. i'm not un-attractive, thats how i look at it.
245.Would you be willing to give up sex in exchange for an emotional commitment you knew would last? haha, i've never had it, so i wouldn't lose all that much. i'd like to have it, to see what it's like, but i'd give up the chance for that
246.Do you laugh when you hear or read the number 69? not unless there's a joke involved
247.Were you lying about your answer to the previous question? no. if I was, i'd have laughed when you asked the question. as in wrote haha.
248.Do you actually know your Social Security Number? no.
249.Do you actually know your IP address? no.
250.Do you know what an IP address is? i do. internet protocol.
251.Do you know the four-character extension on your ZIP code? since i don't have one, no.
252.Ever think there were too many numbers floating around in our lives? nope.
253.Does your head begin to hurt when you think of infinity,imaginary numbers, irrational numbers, etc.? haha, imaginary or irrational numbers are just unreal. but it doesn't make my head hurt.
254.What do you think of pi, you know, 3.14152967 etc..? it's alright.
255.Do you have a driver's license? not old enough.
256.Do you sometimes see a movie or watch a show just because a good-looking celebrity is in it? nah
257.What celebrity's autograph do you want most? none.
258.Have people ever said you looked like a celebrity, and if so, who? sheldan from the big bang theory
259.If there was to be a movie about you, who do you think should play you (in personality, looks or both)? not a clue
260.Does it ever annoy you when you know someone is a celebrity but you can't remember who they are? not really.
261.If you could enter any celebrity's mind like in "Being John Malkovich", whose would you enter? ...
262.Do you want to be John Malkovich? ...
263.Have you ever wished you could experience being the other gender? haha, once or twice.
264.What do you love most about the other gender? their lessened ego, or perhaps their control over themselves.
265.What do you dislike most about the other gender? probably... the amount of drama usually surrounding them
266.What do you understand least about the other gender? enough to get by on, but not as much as i'd like. it's just people i dont understand, but i get women just as much as i get men.
267.Mac or PC? PC
268.How much do you actually care about the inner workings of your computer or is it only as long as it works? i'm rather caring.
269.Do you ever begin preferring IMs to other forms of conversation? nah. you lose most of your personality in IM
270.Do you find you're different talking through IMs than face-to-face or on the telephone? occasionally.
271.Have you ever bid on something on eBay and regretted it later? nah
272.If you had been born a member of the opposite sex, what would your name have been? not a clue. think my name was chosen pretty short notice.
273.Would you name a child of yours after you? nope.
274.If you had to switch first names with a friend of yours, who would you switch with? John. John is a good name.
275.What's the way people most often mispronounce any part of your name? taylor isn't my name.
276.If you were to become famous, would you drop your last name (like Madonna, Cher, Roseanne)? nope
277.Like to give hugs? not really. like to keep them for something bigger than everyday stuff.
278.Like to walk in the rain? haha, yeah.
279.Sleep with or without clothes on? clothes. bottom half always covered
280.Prefer black or blue pens? black.
281.Dress up on Halloween? nope.
282.Sleep on your side, tummy or back? side most of the time.
283.Think you're attractive? nah
284.Want to marry? at some point, yesh.
285.Have a goldfish? used to. killed it. by accident of course.
286.Ever have the falling dream? nope
287.Have stuffed animals? nope
288.Do you believe in the traditional view of Heaven and Hell? not the religious type.
289.Do you think God has a gender? hard to if you're not real.
290.Do you think science counteracts religion? no. it allows for religion's manipulation, in order to prevent it from utterly destroying religion. it's all part of the game.
291.Do you believe in organized religion? all the same to me. all not real.
292.Where do you think we go when we die? we go in a coffin to rot, or into ashes to float and enter that carbon cycle.
293.How easy is it to make you laugh? pretty simple.
295.Do you laugh at jokes you know you shouldn't? indeed i do.
296.Do you tell jokes you know you shouldn't? haha, sometimes.
297.What words instantly make you laugh or at least smile? not a clue. can't remember any.
298.What do you think is the funniest thing you've ever said or written? can't recall it. but there are times when i find myself hilariously funny. maybe i have a huge ego
299.Do you ever dance to music when nobody's watching, when someone's watching? nah.
300.What is/are the worst song(s) you have ever heard? i dunno what it's called. it's sound is so crap it's unreal.
301.What song(s) do you wish you could understand a little better? one or two.
302.What song(s) are constantly in your head? if only you knew - shinedown
303.What song(s) do you think describe your personality best? there isn't one, i'm not listing loads.
304.If you were to serenade the object of your affections, which song(s) would you use? hahahaha, shaun michaels' tune maybe.
305.If the object of your affections were to serenade you, what song(s) would you hope he or she used? i'd prefer her to chose.
306.What movie(s) do you love that nobody else seems to? can't say there is one.
307.Do you agree with the idea that sequels are always worse than the original? usually. actually, no. it's just the sequel isn't innovative anymore.
308.Who's your favorite Star Wars character? ...
309.What kind of movie do you think there should be more of? ...
310.What movie(s) do you simply not understand the appeal of? there isn't one.
311.When eating, are you more concerned with taste or healthiness? taste. i don't like much, so i stay healthy through not eating alot and excersize.
312.What's your favorite kind of cheese? cheddar. only one i can remember trying. should try bree, just so i can say bree bree.
313.What do you think your answer to the previous question reveals about your personality? that my gourmet isn't that exciting, but i'm willing to try stuff.
perhaps in a freud like way, you could say that means i live a pretty boring lifestyle, but i'm willing to change that. but thats definately looking to far into it, and further past what i believe possible.
314.If you knew exactly what went into Chinese food,hamburger meat, etc., would you still eat it? i doubt it.
315.Do you ever feel guilty eating meat? yup.

Friends
316.What a unique category, don't you think? i don't.

317.Are you sure you have friends? yeah, i am.
318.Best friend? de ja vu
319.Second-best friend? John or Rik. not sure which. now that i'm thinking, i'm thinking maybe rik should be #1. but i do that alot.
320.Email the most? dont really e-mail.
321.Call the most? same as above.
322.Comment the most? Baty. determined to take over his board, but not to spam him.
323.Best friend of the opposite sex? Lizy?
324.Best friend from another country? haha, Wari?
325.Best online friend? Beccie.
326.Which friend do you dislike the most? it alternates
327.Person you can always confide in? Shazz, Lizy, John, Baty or Rik. I only have had 2 things to confide in over the last few weeks really. 1 of them i spoke about to Rik, Shazz and Lizy, the other to Rik, John and a little bit with Shazz
seems like i've left baty out there. oh well.
328.Person that you can talk to for 12 hours straight and never get bored? 12 hours straight. i'd get severe jaw cramp and stop anyway.
329.In a fight or annoyed? have been with most of them a little bit. none at the moment though.
330.Friend's house you sleep at the most? John's
331.Friend's house you wish you could sleep at but can't? hahaha, at the moment, it's shazz's. she has to go home too early.
332.Who is the first number on your speed dial? dont have a speed dial.
333.Who would you take away on a week vacation? just one of them? maybe lizy, maybe rik. i can see it being more fun to me that way, cause i don't really like holidays.
334.Craziest? fail.
335.Weirdest? much better. Lizy, Baty or Shazz
336.Most fun? Shazz, Lizy, Baty sometimes.
337.Saddest? Me ..
338.Quietest? shazz sometimes. Baty can be.
339.Who knows you the best? They all know me at different levels, but most equally well. Lizy has known me longest.
340.Who do you know the best? umm... can't say there is one i know best, through fault of my own.
341.Who do you like to shop with? matt or martyn nd some others
342.Talk with? Shazz, John of late, Rik, Lizy more than i originally thought so.
343.Trust the most? Rik, Baty, John. I trust them all with different kinds of things.
344.Be yourself with? they're not really a friend if you can't be yourself around them.
345.Laugh with? all of them, lately, mainly rik and Lizy.
346.Give advice to? My advice is rarely given lately. I used to give a bit to shazz, but she doesn't seem to need much anymore. sometimes baty. occasionally, i tell lizy to break out of the fascist regieme.
347.Who gives you advice? Rik, john if i talk to him.
348.Best singer? only heard Lizy.
349.Best athlete? Rik or John, probably rik, since john has deteriorated.
350.Who is the nicest? Shazz.
351.Who is the meanest? John. he's so mean. QQ
352.Best dancer? easily Rik.
353.Best writer? John writes well, but Rik's writing is enjoyable to read. hard to say between those two.
354.Best smile? shazz no contest
355.Most creative? Lizy.
356.Best dressed? define best
357.Best shoes? shazz! or whats left of them.
358.Who doesn't care if they lie? I'd like to think they all do. not a fan of liars.
359.Who can't lie? John is the only one i know who can't. but i trust that the rest wouldn't.
360.Most innocent? Shazz methinks. or Lizy.
361.Most innocent looking? Shazz.
362.Rebel? hahaham i bet john would love being told that he's a rebel.
363.Moodiest? Baty lately
364.Happiest? Lizy or Rik.
365.Sweetest? Baty, he's a babe.




Do/Are/Who's?

366. It's because I'm bored, can't you figure that out? i did a while back. i originally thought you might have slipped in a few questions purposefully to get some answers you were wondering about out of a few of your friends, but i quickly deduced that it was nothing of such a high calibre.

367.Religious? no wai.
368.Try to be fashionable? nope. buy clothes that i like, or that feel good, not what are socially acceptable.
369.Think fashion is important? not to me. but it can make people look good.
370.Get along with your family? yeah. close family anyway.
371.Get along with your friends? thats why they are my friends.
372.Get grounded? not in a long time.
373.Know any foreign languages? not know. just know bits of.
374.Run into walls/doors? nope.
375.Blonde? used to be.
376.Who do you talk to most online? Shazz
377.Who do you talk to most on the phone? no-one.
378.Are you a bum? nope.
379.Do you get online a lot? nah, i hide off more than i appear on. but i;m on the webz daily.
380.Do you shower? yah.
381.Do you hate school? not at all
382.Do you have a social life? i do indeed. not the biggest, but i like it.
383.Do you trust people easily? not really. actually, yeah. cause i'm not really that bothered if random people find out things i keep quiet. i just keep them quiet out of habit really.
384.Have you ever lied to your best friend(s)? not that i can recall. other than saying yes to the question are you okay.
385.Are you a dare devil? somewhere in the middle of the scale.
386.Would you ever sky dive? i would.
387.Do you like to dance? never tried. doubt i will more than a couple of times in my life.
388.Are you funny? occasionally i like to think i can be.
389.Are you a serious person? most of the time.
390.Do you make friends easily? if i want to. depends on your mindset more than it does you actual personality.
391.Do you work out? not work out. i run when i want to run, which is alot. i don't spend time strictly working out.
392.Do you like to work out? see above. yeah, i do.
393.How much can you bench press? dunno. enough
394.How much can you lift? same.
395.Are you a popular person? people seem to like me.
396.Do you have plans for your future? nothing set in stone.
397.Do you plan to go to college? stockton sixth form.
398.Do you play sports? when i can/feel like it.
399.Do you like sports? one or two.
400.Do you play an instrument? not well. used to be decent.
401.Know what you want to be when you get older? yeah, a doctor.
402.Ever been out of state? not been in one.
403.Out of the country? yeah.
404.Do you like to travel? its k.
405.What do YOU think of the way you look? it could be worse.
406.What do YOU think about your attitude? i like my attitude. if i didn't it wouldn't be mine.
407.What do you think about life after death? i dont think there is life after death.
408.What do you think about karma? i tend not to. if you're a bad person, you attract bad people, but thats not to say good only attracts good. and the bad tend to be smart. there's no karma in anything. just people.
409.What do you think about love? i tend not to anymore. it's a life maker.
410.What do you think about fate? it's all chance. some people believe the odds are put in place by some higher force. i believe prior odds put the current odds in place, right back down to the beginning
411.What do you think about yourself? i'm alright. a good person.
412.What do you tell yourself if times get hard? Get used to it, it's only just beginning.
413.What would you give your life for? most things. anything that required it to be given.
414.What do you think about your first love? i think she knew how to say the right things.
415.What do you think about the first person that loved you? see above.
416.What are you scared of? "spiders, the dark, pictures of david bowie..." hahaha, i love that. umm... just one thing really, and i'm stopping telling people cause all they do is wind me up.
417.Do you cry easily? nah
418.Who/What is something/someone that has touched you? the latest thing? courage, selflessness and innocence. That would be Charlotte.
419.What was the saddest moment of your life? redcar beach. nuff said.
420.What would life be without friends? i wouldn't know.
421.Without family? i wouldn't know, and i wouldn't notice. same goes for above.
422.Without you? irrelevant.
423.Are you deep? i'd say so.
424.Do you think love is once in a lifetime, or just chance? chance.
425.Do you like your town? it's okay.
426.Do you wanna get out of your town? in a few years.
427.What design/logo is on your mouse pad? it's just blue.
428.What color is your mouse pad? haha
429.Drink a lot of water? aye.
430.Have a cell phone/beeper/etc.? just a phone.
431.Do you like amusement parks? they're not too bad
432.Have you ever been to 6 Flags? not even sure what it is
433.What namebrand do you wear the most? dunno. wouldn't say there is one.
434.Do you like taking pictures? i do, ish.
435.Do you like getting your picture taken? not fussy either way/
436.Do you have a tan? a bit of one.
437.Do you get annoyed easily? not really.
438.What are you hobbies? computer, hoarding things like a kleptomaniac, gan oot.
439.Do you have your own phone/phone line? mobile yeah, house phone, no.
440.Do you have any posters/pinups on your bedroom walls? took it down, gonna put some moar stoof on there.
441.Are you sick of this survey yet? a little. some of it is enjoyable, other bits arent
442.Do you get good grades in school? usually.
443.How do you vent your anger? i dont for long long periods of time, then i have mental breakdowns or peaceful sessions.
444.Are you a role model? ish. i guess to some people i might seem so.
445.Who do you look up to? i'm good without someone to look up to. i shape who i should be with rationality usually.
446.Who do you trust the most? de ja vu. different people with different things.
447.Do you have any piercings? nah
448.Do you have any tattoos? nope
449.Do you dream a lot? never remember.
450.Do you daydream a lot? nah.
451.Have you had a nightmare lately? not rly.
452.Do you have any allergies? not that i'm aware of.
453.Do you have any health problems? not that i'm aware of, other than a dickey ankle, and bad everywhere.
454.Do you like animals? most of them i really like, and i'm afraid of one or two, but still like them.
455.Do you have any pets? a dawg
456.Do you like siblings? sisters
457.Do you have glasses/contacts? nope.
458.Do you have braces? haha, nope.
459.Do you have a job? I want one.
460.Have you ever been fired from a job? paper round that i quit since i knew i would be sacked.
461.Who did YOU want to be President? not fussed. He's an obamination, and the other has the scars to prove it.
462.Who would you vote for, if anyone, and why? not american.
463.Do you have a curfew? haha, nope.
464.Are you a vegetarian? not at this moment.
465.Could you be a vegetarian? i could.
466.Have you ever thought about suicide? I've contemplated it deeply multiple times in my life. once very recently actually.
467.Do you like coffee? nah.
468.Do you have a sweet tooth? nah, they're all pretty tooth tasting.
469.Do you like horror movies? they're okay.
470.Do you like to spend or save your money? save, but thats hard sometimes.
471.Do you keep your room clean? ish. desk is a tip, floor isn't too bad.
472.Do chores well? i dont have chores. If i get asked to do something, i do it.
473.Do you eat vegetables? a few.
474.Are you a flirt? not rly.
475.Are you good at lying? lying was spelled wrong there, i changed it. HEIL MEIN GRAMMAR GUSTAPO. not really.
476.Do you like to go to parties? sometimes. infrequently.
477.Do you still go trick or treating? nah.
478.Are you an angel or a little devil? i'm a little bit of a mature person and don't confine myself to stupid stereotypes like that. god that question really annoyed me.
479.Do you get along with people? usually.
480.Have you ever just started dancing/singing in the middle of somewhere? nope. unless you count blakey field, i serenaded Rik.
481.Have you ever won anything? best athelete. rugby medals, mary magdelene science/technolody award (thats the biggest achievement.)
482.Do you have a waterbed or a regular bed? regular bed
483.What size? single.
484.Do you get bored easily? sometimes i do, usually not.
485.Do you play golf? nope.
486.Do you play miniature golf? when i can/
487.Do you like tennis? it's alright. one of the better sports.
488.Are you flexible? in my back, not so much anywhere else.
489.Are you a sweet heart? haha, not really.
490.Would you like to be cloned? i wouldn't.
491.What are your opinions on cloning? i see no real reason why not. god is the biggest argument it seems
493.Scaramouche,scaramouche, will you do the fandango? no i will not.
494.Did you like this survey? twas alreet. whoever wrote it, i didn't particularly like them
495.Are you sorry you began filling it out? nope
496.What questions do you wish it had asked? something more that i could have ranted over

497.How would you have answered them? fully, which is rare for me.

THE TWO MOST IMPORTANT QUESTIONS
498.When was the last time you let the people you love/people who are important to you know you love them/that they are important to you? I do it a fair amount.
499.What do you want the people who are reading this survey to know? nothing much other than the answers to any questions they were interested in.

500.What time is it? 00:44, 2 days after i started

i had an interesting one while walking home today
i'm experimenting with it now
so i'll tell you what the idea was at the end of this.

once again, i have little inspiration for writing,
not much to write about, so here goes nothing.
i just realised that every single time i talk to someone about a problem i sound like a whiney little schoolgirl.
maybe thats just from my perspective, and it just seems like my problem today was tiny, yet i made a mountain
but i also heard something of someone elses problems today too
and it just made me think: stop it, get over it, stop being a girl about it.
but perhaps thats unfair
since that problem was a bit of a big deal
whereas mine really wasn't.
and i, perhaps selfishly, rotated it onto myself.
i started thinking about the problems everyone has. the big ones
depression, hate, suicidal tendencies
being betrayed, multiple times, abandonment, loss, speed
loss, stupidity 
care.
and it kinda struck me how much people have on their respective plates.
just interesting how you can have this many problems yet there's always someone who has their own plate too full to do anything
maybe my plate is too full, maybe i'm a dick.
i don't really care, cause there's nothing to be done for it
i've been nice for a long time, still am, so unlucky if you aren't fortunate enough to catch me in a good moment.
I'm finished waiting.
as you may or may not have read a while back, i said i feel i'm waiting for something
that is over now, not so much cause i've found something
but because i found something else, something i wasn't waiting for.
and that, in itself, has been enough to turn me away from futility and back into the present.
the present where my main concern is pace
and whether to throw pace out of the window.
and i just came to a conclusion
not trying at all works well enough
just go how it goes, where ever that may be

the idea was to write, and just let whatever thoughts occured to me flow into a blog,
see how it went
which turned out to be shit
oh well.
goodbye

 i'm not really happy today
at all,
yet i'm putting off bed time cause i feel like it.
problem is, i have no inspiration, nothing to write about that you want to read
cause you've heard, seen and hopefully thought it hundreds of times before.
just an update on my life and stuff really..
so yeah, finished school as of 2 days from now, which is good
apart from i haven't seen the two best people from there in a while.
so i'm going to have to spend some more time trying to spend more time with them.
problem is, i feel like i should be doing something rather than just asking them to come wander the streets.
but there's a severe shortage in money and things to do
it's bad enough trying to think of enough to do to stop seeming like a boring fart with my girlfriend, never mind adding other people to that list
so yeah, next thing being i haz a girlfriend now
now, with things left unsaid, it's safe to say i had my doubts at first, because of a problem with my best friend
but i went ahead with it anyway
after getting his say so.
been together for a week and a half, and i know that isn't a particularly long time period but..
i'm incredibly happy now that i'm with her
i wanted to for a while and just felt like i couldn't
then she asked me out
which was lovely, since it's rare, and was very brave of her
one of the many reasons i have more respect for her than most other people on the planet.
but anyway, its still early days, but going out with her is the highlight of some pretty shitty weeks.

now the family, there's another story.
i'm getting drilled off everyone in my house for not doing enough schoolwork, even though i go to school still when i don't have to.
and actually do revise the stuff i don't understand. and i've worked harder over the last 5 years than either of my 2 sisters,
got results 2 or 3 grades higher than i was supposed to.
and then i get moaned at about housework
when my room is barely ever messy, and i granted, don't do much around the house, but i've done more over the last few weeks than i had over the whole of last year
and this week i've been told of more than ever for not doing enough.
so, medically:
my dad isn't cancerous as we thought, but he does have to do phisiotherapy because of his back.
my grandmother is confirmed to have cardiomyothapy (genetic disorder, weakening of the heart muscle) so she will end up dead early.
my grandad has a tumour on his neck, not confirmed if it malignant or benign yet, but even if it isn't, if it gets much bigger it can cut of blood flow to his head
he's having surgery on that soon.
one of my uncles recently was in intensive care for a few weeks, with a disease that could have killed him.
no-one told me what it was caused, catch it off rats and often on worksites.
he's just had 2 kids as well
my other uncle has a problem with his heart, he was taken to A&E the other day
still waiting on finding out whats up with him.
my other uncle, whom i wasn't all that close to, but i liked him, he died a few month back
sister has paranoia.
and 3 of my friends are ill. i'm actually worried about them ill, not they have the shits, or flu ill.

and just the few other shitty cherries on top
i recently have lost almost all of my faith in people, again.
and i feel bad cause i just got out of that period.
and i feel a bit futile again.
for a good few reasons.
mainly those above, but also cause of some shit thats ongoing with shazz (that would be the girlfriend)
so, hope you enoyed reading the same shit you've heard a million times before, don't strain your muscles by clicking X too quickly.
have a nice... nizzle.

i remember once, watching an episode of looney tunes (i know, best show of the nineties)
and bugs bunny was a matador
i loved that episode.
i always considered matadors to be, i dunno, jolly
maybe cause of that cartoon
and then i watched one on jackass, and they rode it, i thought it was hilarious.
and then, i remembered seeing the man on jackass move his arm before they started, i wondered what that was.
but now i've lost the naivity i realise.
i was on a demoticational site
http://www.uncoached.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/12/matador_3.jpg
and i saw this picture, with some demoticational title added.
notice how it isn't as fun a sport if the bull gets him, and a bunch of guys come to help.
these people make me sick to my fucking stomach
i almost think i'd happily kill them
i mean, you can see the blood matting the bull's coat for fucks sake,
and that not as bad as chemicals they add to the food and bleach in the eyes to make the bull worse.
i can't believe how much faith that picture made me lose in humans.
especially after i thought i was seeing the good in people.
i've been pissed off and miserable every night since i saw that
god almighty.
i don't need to sit and write about the reasons why those people are sick creatures
cause if you don't agree, i seriously don't want to speak to you.
i'd happily donate every single spare penny i got if it meant putting an end to that sport.
i'd get it, if it wasn't so cruel
i can almost see that appeal
but there's thousands of other risky sports that don't torture, maim and then slowly, and i mean slowly, and agonisingly (physically and mentally) kill the unwilling competitor.
i think i might go strictly free range, if not vegetarian again
i say this not because i think it will make a difference, cause i know how futile it is to try and fix the world.
but to prove to myself, being run by my morals, that i wont bring myself to the same level as these people.
wont torture an animal all it's life, then kill it at the end
at least let it have a decent life, if not let it continue to live.
these creatures are too different to people.
i see the people in africa, starving, diseased and the like
and i think, if he had money, he'd be a right bastard and exploit people anyway
as anyone with power does, in order to increase their dominion.
but with these creatures, if we weren't doing it to them, they wouldn't care
it's like people who beat their dogs.
the dog offers uncompromising love, even if you abuse it.
it's innocent down to it's very core, it is fundamentally gentle.
the same is true of every single animal on the planet, other than us self aware bastards.
there's dominance, and then there's this sick perverse shit.
i can't believe that i've gotten this much feeling, i only started this to make a short point
fucking almost cried writing that.
i hate the idea of destroying innocence that much.
kind of why i worry about what i'm doing
jesus fucking christ.

I must say that lately people have begun to surprise me alot.
i used to really dislike alot of people for...
for human nature i guess
just for being the bastards that they are, and not caring at all for other people.
but i've recently had alot of time to reflect on this.
and what i found shocked me. 

although people will almost certianly always disgust me, for the things that they do without caring for the morality of it
they are not to be blamed for this as explicity as i usually do.
because they had a bad sense of morals injected into them as soon as they could think for themselves, as did the generations before that, and before that
all the way back to early civilisation, where we were barely aware that other creatures, and other people, had any feelings at all
so it's hard to place the blame on anyone for it
i guess you would have hoped that we as a race would have realised the errors that we are making by now, but we still have plenty of time.

but given that we all have a bad sense of morals, me included..
there is a surprising amount of good in people.
people you wouldn't expect to be that much of a good person tend to be just that.

it took me a long time to realise this,
and meeting someone who as far as i've seen is an incredibly good person helped me see many other people as good.

well.. i've had a few tough decisions to make over the last few days
and i'm pretty sure i've made them all correctly.
the first would be to truly let go of some things i'd been holding on to
which i did, after a minor mental breakdown followed by RRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!11
which i'm still in pain from
sometimes a release from logical patterns is good.
the other major decision was to finally do something for myself and make someone else happy in the progress.
it's gone well, we're now together even though there were some complications and they're all seemingly ironed out
so aside from being in pain
and feeling like a hypocrite
it's all good, and i feel relaxed for a change
must be from one of the many rants i had today, i calmed down alot.
just one or two more things to do and it's all good.

i must mention that i've been trying a new method of dealing with shit lately, that being stop being so ambiguous and just tell people about it
that also seems to be going well so far.
as the saying goes
problem shared blah blah. 

few days.
i guess i should be a little happier, but i still don't feel good about stuff..
i guess thats a price to pay for considering myself before others for once..
I'm struggling to sort out what i want to say to someone,
cause it sounds like a hypocrisy coming from my mouth
and i could sit and justify it all
but self justification just tends to make you look more and more selfish.
i hate sounding selfish.
guess I just gotta stop being a girl and do it.
just lay out everything there is, all the cards down and hope.
well... don't know untill you try..

There's an interesting topic, might as well get into it rather than waste your time reading ambiguous shit.
(sorry about that lately, i'll fix it all soon and explain everything, but since more and more people keep getting my Lj,
it's not really helpful if i put everything blatently on here anymore
since it jeapordises alot of my intentions.)
anyway
Have you ever gone out for a meal, saw a food you'd never seen before, had a chance to eat some and not done it
just cause it looks bad.
or changing the context
have you ever seen someone you thought you knew, but not shouted in case it wasn't them

i used to think that it was stupid to do all of these things.
you don't know unless you try
that applies to alot of things, you get a situation at least once a week that this applies to.
and for me, it's seemed to result in some form of gain every time, with one or two exceptions.

but now, I've begun to understand some of the more logical processes that i approach the days with to be flawed.
and sometimes it is actually better not to try.
but still, for the most part, i don't understand these people with their what if's and mights.
who cares, what if you get shot down, or what if you don't get what you want
you've still gained from it, cause you now know
1. how to appoach that situation better in the future
2. how it feels to have things not go your way, properly.
and the latter is very very important if you want to get anywhere
people who can't accept this, tend to be spoiled or afraid alot of the time.
which isn't neccesarily bad.
i'm just looking at these idea objectively.
so, unless there is far too much at stake, then i see no reason not to try at least.
maybe not be so blunt as to go straight in blatently for what you want,
but at least try, in whatever way.
you will gain in the obvious way, or the way i laid down. 

i guess that was coined for good reason.
It seems to have crystalised. almost.
there's still all the bullshit, and i still feel like shit.
but the answer is clearly here.
and it's the same bollocks again
take a bullet so someone else doesn't have to.
i wonder if you'd do the same.
it's an interesting concept actually.
i've spent alot of my teenage life doing just that, and i've been told once or twice recently that i'm too nice.
it's odd, thinking that if one of those people had been in this situation
or one of the too many others,
things would have went differently.

but it seems i'm not that kinda person.
i'll still do things for others, no matter how shit it makes me feel.
be it going out and being made to feel like shit
which happened recently and cause of recent developments, i can see happening alot as well.
but it turns out, either way.
everybody loses.

laying out the situation;
you could be happy half the time, pissed off at yourself and miserable the other half
have another person happy.
and another person fucking miserable.
fucking was there for emphasis on how bad.
or
you could have misery most of the time, which is nothing new
and two people content. ish.
yes, perfect choices, i know.

but either way, everyone fucking loses.
argh

what do you do when you're left with old feelings, new feelings, shit feelings, wrong feelings and strong feelings.
i'm normally good for this, i enjoy thinking about it and sorting the problem in my mind.
but this time, it wont sort out logically, which is the way i usually go.
and my 'heart' (i hate that analogy) is in too much turmoil (thats fail also) to make any kind of progress
so i'm basically left with over 9000 different problems, past present and future.
and all i'm doing is over thinking each and making it worse.
i'm stuck for a change. 

and if you chose to walk away, i'd still be right here waiting

is much how i feel lately,
tis a song
and it has me far past the point of being able to deal with it
i feel like shit, alot worse than i have in a while.
it's comfortable, but i don't understand how it has happened.
i keep coming up with all these reasons why i'm not too happy,
but they're all hollow, i don't care about them.
so i don't get why
i feel that if i found someone special, or more, could get someone special who is already around, then it would help.

I almost feel like i'm so tired of this stuff, that i wish i could start over.
just blow it all away, try again, move on to level 2, turn the difficulty up a little.
this is stupid now
but i like you all in my own way too much to abandon it all
consider yourselves lucky, you're alot more liked than i am
i dunno who i'm talking to here. 

 an update on my life, incase after that last blog there is too much of a change in tone and people think i'm not actually me.
umm...
yeah, i have exams from now untill i leave. not really bothered by them, i'm already secure in... 9 A*'s
so it's no worries.
but the real stuff, the stuff that people think matters
it's... somehow different.
shifting maybe
i'm beginning to empathise alot more
i feel as if i'm becoming younger by the day
even if i still feel centuries
there's alot of weight being lifted
now my burden is more of a usual preportion.
to be honest, i'm incredibly ashamed of myself.
for both having that younger feeling and another thing.
the younger feeling is bad because i know if i let it get much worse, I'll become a person, and i'll do person shit, and i'll lose this logic that i have,
this part of my brain that says, that is stupid and only done as part of the social ritual. it makes no sense, don't do it.
I know this because right now i'm being told by myself that it's worth being blind to the earth, to all the shit, just so i can be happy with my friends and potential (bastard) girlfriends.
The other reason i am ashamed of myself is for being such an insensitive arsebandit.
i realise that one of my mates is struggling, and i just ignored it, to the point where i was thinking about doing something i know would hurt them.
even though i know from incredibly personal experience how bad it would be for them.
that doesn't bode well for me.

I just heard the introduction to a song while i was reading a couple of people's blog's.
the line was just spoken, it was from a crappy nirvanna song, he just says "you wanna know what my problem is"
well, contrary to the sound of that introduction, this isn't a blog about having girl trouble, school trouble, friend trouble, or any of that shite. 
It's about just that. the shite, the typical problems people have, and how reading that in writing has made me realise...

that all of this is just rediculous.
i just read shazz's blog.  (this is stupid, i have so many things i want to write about here.)
i just read shazz's blog, and i read over mine the other day, just read over every post.
and i thought about mine for some time.
and it seems like the problems on mine are huge, i make them sound like they're end of the world kind of stuff
but then i looked at shazz's, and basically, she's stuck in a rather difficult situation, which results in there being a big problem, as far as i understand.
anyway, i read hers, and because of what i know about her personality, her problem seemed just a million times worse than all of mine.
and then i read rik's, and he has alot more stuff to complain about than me, really.
yeah, i can complain all i like about him and cristy, or just cristy herself, or jo, or whoever.
it doesn't matter.
cause to me, reading his shit, i know he's been through alot more than me.
and i know from his personality that his problems are nothing to him.
they're just an inconvienience.

from comparing these three blogs, i have established that either there is still something not quite right about me, or problems are nothing at all, they just affect varying personality types differently.
I came to the conclusion that none of this is real to me.
i am still in that frame of mind where nothing matters, for everything is distinctly lacking in meaning.
which in my opinion should be the only state of mind in the world.
but it isn't.
and that is a good thing, as without all you caring people, all you people who have problems, this stuff in your life, i would have surely ended my own life
without you, I have nothing.
but to me. this is nothing.
all these problems i have, and you have, they mean nothing, i think people worry too much, which comes through our primal instincts,
which basically told us about ever single thing we did, it might kill us.
so now we have a mountain out of molehill mentality, and act as if the slightest pain might kill us.
this is badly written, i apologise.
3 different messages in one blog, it's hard to say what you want.